Standup Routine

Sometimes people tell me I’m funny. Not everyone thinks that, but some people think I’m really funny. Sometimes those people tell me I should be a comedian. I try to tell them I can’t be a comedian because I don’t have any material: I just say funny shit when it occurs to me or in response to something that happens. Well here’s an attempt to make up some material. Picture this as a standup routine:

“Man, the world these days. Things are changing so fast. I’m 40 years old, I can’t keep up. Who’s dating out there? Man, it’s rough isn’t it? Everyone is using these apps. Dating apps. Very high tech. Very competitive. I can’t compete with everyone on the internet, I don’t stack up well. I don’t even have much of a chance if I’m already the only guy talking to you. You’ve gotta be smarter than everyone else. Gotta beat the system.

So I’m trying to get a leg up. I watch all these ladies, using their phones. Using their dating apps. Everything is on a phone these days. Everyone’s using their phones all the time. Half of them have cracked screens too, right? How many of you have a cracked screen on your phone right now? So I got a place, I put up one of those signs “we fixed cracked phones here”. Only when you walk in, the lights are real dim. It’s just me, just sitting there. “Can I buy you a drink?”…gotta outsmart the system.

Okay, okay, that’s not actually true. I’m not dating. I’m married. I’m wearing a wedding band. A lot of ladies probably noticed that already as I told that last joke. How many guys noticed I’m wearing a wedding band? Come on guys, get it together. Just because you’re not evaluating me as a potential life-partner doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show a little interest. Pay attention to what’s going on around you. So really I don’t give a shit if you’re dating. Using apps. That’s not hard. That’s not shit. Being married. That’s fucking hard. If you’re not married you don’t know shit. You don’t know how hard it is to tell your wife your darkest secrets. To share yourself. To be truly vulnerable to someone who knows you. Really knows you. Someone who could hurt you. Someone you neeeed. You don’t know what it’s like. You don’t know what its like. You don’t know what its like to tell someone you’ve secretly ran up 5,000 dollars in debt by sneaking out to Taco Bell late at night.

Hey, but it’s not all bad. Being married. It’s good to have someone to talk to. Someone who can understand you. My wife’s sick of listening to me talk about myself though. I’m seeing a therapist instead. It’s great, having someone to listen to you. I just need to talk about my stuff, you know? I just need someone to listen to me. Therapists are expensive though. I can’t afford that. I think I was getting a great deal: 160 bucks for 45 minutes. I couldn’t afford that though. I was like, can we do 10 minutes? He wouldn’t budge. Now I don’t have a therapist. So I got a place, I put a sign out front, it says “Open mic, free comedy” and you go in, the lights are all dim and it’s just me, standing there. Talking about myself.

Thanks everyone, you’ve been great.”